Welcome to Life, a short fiction

Welcome to Life

Persona: Melissa is a young woman in her early twenties.  She is an alcoholic and an addict, and these journal entries take place during her first few years of sobriety.  She has been smoking marijuana since she was eighteen and drinking heavily since she was twenty one.  Since she started drinking, Melissa’s life began a rapid spiral downward as her self-worth and hope were lost.  During the last few months of her drinking she got drunk on a daily basis and sat on the couch watching television, feeling sorry for herself.  She had quit school and her job and all of her friends were sick of her.  The only person left in her life was her meth addict boyfriend Michael.  At the time of the first journal entry, Melissa has been attending AA meetings for about a month and is in her fifteenth day of sobriety.

June 15, 2002
Hello journal.  I have been told to write in you because I have a lot of feelings and people are telling me it is helpful to write them down.  I will do my best to be as honest as I can, especially because before when I was drinking I lied about everything.  Maybe now I can start being honest with myself.  So…tonight I went to this young people’s meeting with some young guy Steve that goes to meetings in Elk Grove.  He’s only 16 but he’s been sober for over a year.  At the meeting these two people in their twenties told their stories about drinking and doing drugs and how things are a lot better now.  Steve introduced me to a few people but I could tell he didn’t know very many of them that well.  I was surprised at how many people my age are in recovery and have been for extended periods of time.  I talked for a minute to this girl who was 19 and pregnant and said she was a few days clean from dope, but she seemed loaded.  When we talked I was able to feel this girl’s pain, and she had a lot of it.  Her name was Melissa too, at least I think.  Ok basically I threw up my feelings onto this guy Steve though.  He was really sweet though and just listened.  I was crying the whole fucking drive up there and the whole fucking drive back and we were talking so much we drove to Dixon on accident because we weren’t paying attention.  I guess it was nice to do something new tonight because it has been so hard and I’ve felt so crazy.  I’ve been sober for two weeks now and Michael is out there somewhere still loaded and I love him but it’s just too much to think about and feel right now.  If I don’t focus on myself I will drink again soon I’m sure.  I can’t be with someone who gets loaded every day, it’s just not good for me.  I cry every time I think about it.  I feel so fucking crazy even though I know I’m doing the right thing and my mind just goes forever about it and all these feelings keep coming out of me all the time and I feel like I just can’t write it down fast enough.  I’ve been going to AA meetings every day and I have a sponsor too.  When I relapsed I went right back to her and she took me and wasn’t even mad.  I have to start over on the steps though but I don’t give a fuck I’m willing to do anything to not hurt like this.  When I relapsed I knew what I was doing was wrong but part of me said that it would be ok and not a big deal.  That was such bullshit.  It was the worst feeling ever to be drinking after I knew I shouldn’t and I just couldn’t stop!  That scares me.  I always thought I could stop when I wanted but apparently my head will never want me to stay stopped, or something like that.  Every time I’m in a meeting I just sit in the back and cry.  I’m in so much fucking pain I feel like I don’t know what to do.  I need to keep reminding myself that all I have to do is go to work and go to meetings and do the AA program.  Everyone there tells me that I will be ok if I just do it and I guess I believe them but I feel so much all the time it’s overwhelming.  I sleep a lot now too – if I’m not working or at Kris’s house or at a meeting I’m sleeping.  Howard said I need a lot of sleep though.  I feel broken down so much.  Plus I need to find somewhere to stay and quick cuz my mom’s gonna kick me out soon.  I’m freaking out about that.  For some reason I believe she will actually kick me out too.  Without her right now though I wouldn’t have anywhere to stay, so whatever then I guess.  I have no idea how I am supposed to do life.  This is so hard and it scares me a lot that I’ve done it all to myself.  I’ll do whatever I need to do; this fucking sucks and scares me and I feel so lost.

June 25th, 2002
I worked step two with Kris today.  It was about getting a relationship with some kind of God in my life because that is the only way I will be able to stay sober, according to AA.  When I was growing up my mom didn’t make me go to church like a lot of people have to.  I went with my friends to their churches sometimes but I never thought about God that much.  Well I guess I did sometimes like when things were really fucking bad but mostly only then.  I only asked for help when got myself into really bad messes and stuff.  So when Kris asked me what my idea of God is I told her I didn’t know what to believe, which was pretty much honest.  She said I could borrow her conception of God until I came up with my own.  That will work for me, and plus her conception makes a lot of sense.  I will start to pray every morning and night now and she says that will keep me from wanting to drink or use.  I’m not sure about that but if she says it will work I will do it.  She has been sober like 20 years, so I guess it’s working for her.  I feel so lost, and life is so real now that I’m not loaded all the time and it just scares me!  I hear Michael is really not doing good but I just don’t let myself think about it too much.  I cried about him today.  Really I cry about him every day.  Part of me though feels this new hope that things will be ok.  I wish it would stay longer.  I am doing the best that I can and things don’t feel like they are getting better but everybody says it takes time.

June 29th, 2002
Michael’s clean now.  I’m so excited and relieved that he is going to meetings.  It is such a fucking relief that he’s going to do this.  I guess part of me is wondering if he will actually stay sober, but he says he is ready to do whatever it takes.  He won’t talk about where he’s been though and that makes me wonder a lot.  I don’t care though it is so fucking nice that he is back in my life.

August 20th, 2002
Things are so not ok right now.  Michael went back out and I obviously had to break up with him.  It hurts a lot because I love him and he’s killing himself.  Kris and Howard keep telling me that I can’t do anything but tell him I care and stay away if he is not clean.  I wish it wasn’t like this and I cry so much all the time.  Yesterday I hid under my covers with my cat.  I thought it would make me feel better but hiding doesn’t work and it only made me feel worse.  It makes me wonder what it was like for my mom and dad when I was drinking and using all the time.  Anyways I just am so sick and tired of all this fucking crap that goes on between us and even if he comes back again to get sober I refuse to be with him.  It’s for my own good and his too because if he does it for me it will not work.  I couldn’t get sober until I absolutely wanted it for me and that’s how it works, from what people tell me.  I wish my head would stop running at a million miles an hour all the fucking time.  I am working really hard on myself and changing the way that I deal with everyday life because before I couldn’t deal at all so I drank and smoked bud.  Every day scares me to death but I keep doing it and some days I just go really fast all day and stress out but that’s ok because I don’t feel half as crazy as I did when I was drinking all the time.  I’m so up and down I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster or something.

Jan ‘03
Oh fuck I hurt so bad oh my god.  My heart is broken two ways and I am crying right now like all day.  Why would he abandon me right now?  How can he do this I hurt so bad goddammit.  Right when I need him the most that fucker said he’d never leave and he’s out gettin loaded again I know it.  But like ten people called me today to see how I was doing and I am overwhelmed because honestly I don’t deserve it.  They all said that they loved me and I have been crying so much and they don’t care what I did oh my god I don’t even know how I feel about abortion I just know that this is not the time for me to have a kid. I swear to GOD I know this is not the time and Michael wherever he is AHHHH how could I love him?  He’s so far gone and he’s not who I used to know, or maybe something like that.  My mind is a mess like usual as you can see.  I can’t believe this happened again and with the same guy.  I feel so sad right now and lost too.  It was so nice to hear that so many people love me and they didn’t say what I did was wrong – I’ve been so afraid of that!!  I want to be loved so fucking much and I’m afraid I’ll keep getting it from the wrong places and geting hurt again and again.  But Carol and Kris have been so beautiful to me.  They are my angels.  I’m such a mess and even though I don’t always let myself feel it cuz I feel like shit a lot and feel like such a bad person for no reason I know by what they do that they love me.  My mom took me today which was nice since we’ve been so off and on.  I swear she acts like a teenager sometimes; like I have to be the goddam parent.  I’m sick of her but she’s my mom I don’t know what to do about her.  I guess thanks mom for taking me today and showing support physically even if it is lacking emotionally.  I never knew though how good people in the program could be.  I feel so new and broken down.  Maybe that’s how I’m able to feel some love.  I’ve been sober now for almost eight months.  I cry when I think about what I’ve done and I can’t think about that right now.  This needed to happen I promise I don’t want to hurt anyone it’s not time I promise.  I feel like I’ve been crying for months, and I’m gonna be crying about this for a long time.  Something strong inside tells me I will be ok, I am not a killer just a postponer, something so fucking strong it’s amazing and I’m amazing.  It is a fleeting second of comfort, it goes too fast though I just wish it would stay please God help even though I know you already are.  I think I need to go I have to go meet my sponsor for a meeting and I’m trying to work on not being late and I have to make coffee for them all but I feel so sick right now I think it’s cuz of the abortion.  If I smoke one more ciggy I will barf I think.  I wish I could hide under my covers for a week but I will go out for sure.  Time to suit up and show up, even though I really don’t feel like it.  I guess I am hurting so much but I do feel comforted by all of the phone calls I got today.

3-15-03
Whoa it is so crazy how fast things change when you are in recovery.  This weekend I spent in Pasadena with a bunch of people, well mostly guys, from meetings in Sacramento.  We went to this conference for all of the California young people in AA.  It was so amazing how there were thousands of people sober and acting out of their fucking minds having fun.  A lot happened this weekend because there was so much to do.  Basically the conference took over an entire hotel for the weekend.  I don’t really want to write about all that because I think the relationship I am in is a rebound.  Plus it’s probably not that great of an idea since Nate is in the program and has only been sober for about two months.  He was really just a jerk this whole weekend and I don’t know why.  He really hurts my feelings and honestly I am sick and tired of it.  I spent some time with Steve and Joey and their friends and we had some fun but it was hard to shake off the fucking negativity from Nate.  Oh yeah real quick I have to say that I got the most amazing experience of God last night at the big main meeting thing when everybody from the conference comes together.  It was held at this huge, I mean fucking huge, church and we got there late so we had to sit up in the very back row.  The good thing about that was we had a perfect view of about 2000 young people who were all sober filling the entire church.  I can’t explain the feeling I got looking out over that crowd.  I had such a feeling of God it was amazing and I will always remember it.  So I am pretty much sure that I am going to break up with Nate soon.  It’s just not working.  At the same time I feel like I would be this bad person for doing it.  I feel like I have all this guilt all the time and I don’t know what to do with it.  But I’m still glad I went, even if Nate was just being rude.  I feel kindof sick right now and I took some Theraflu for it.  I feel like I’m on crack or something.  I was talking to Steve a minute ago, who is a really great guy and has really been there, and I was just giggling and laughing like I was high.  I was really acting funny.  I’m gonna go to sleep but yeah it was a good conversation that we had.  I feel sick, dammit!  I have to work tomorrow night and I really don’t want to call in after I took the whole weekend off.  I am really grateful for that job though because they have been good to me and I’ve almost been there a year.  It feels awesome to take this job seriously and I have been so incredibly honest with them which is a change from the last couple jobs when I would call in all the time when I was hungover.  I feel like I’ll be able to work at the Elephant Bar for a while and I absolutely love so many of the people there.

April 25th, 2003
Today was Steve’s two year sobriety birthday and I helped throw him a party, yes I did!  We completely surprised him, at least he seemed like it.  I am so fucking proud of myself because I really honestly wanted to do something great for him and I know that I did.  After the birthday meeting I made him drive to Carol’s house so I could get something, but really I just pretended.  Then I jumped on him and we made out in the car long enough for everybody to get over to Art’s house.  We surprised him and really had a good time.  There were like fifty people there.  Wow things are a lot different than they were a little less than a year ago.  Everything is going so great right now.  It is so nice to be in a relationship where I am treated so fucking well for once.  I love how gentle he is with me and how much he cares and how well he listens.  I feel like I’m going to cry, and because things are good.  So tonight was fun and I am really happy with how things are.

6-22-03
I started crying when I was thinking about how my dad came out to see me last month for my birthday.  I don’t know, I guess I’m upset because now I can see how he just basically left my mom and me and chose that evil second wife of his over us.  I missed him so much and I was just a little girl when he moved to Utah.  I missed him for years.  I wanted him to be there like he was when I was really little.  He would call on my birthday and that’s cool but he missed so much of my childhood.  I talked to Steve about it some and I felt a little better but I need to bring it up in group on Thursday.  It’s hard not having a dad.  And that mother fucker my mom married after him was truly a bad evil person.  It was hell growing up with him.  Even Howard agreed that he is one of the sickest people he has ever met.  He never even gave me a hug, never told me he loved me, fuck he wouldn’t even give me lunch money when I asked him.  Actually sometimes he would but he’d make me feel so guilty like it was this huge burden to give me a few dollars to eat at school.  Every time he gave it to me I wished he hadn’t later.  No wonder I drank.  When I looked at the situation today I felt so fucking pissed off at my step dad and my dad for being such inconsiderate jackasses when I was a kid.  How can you treat a little girl like that?  I was so anxious and angry today but I guess at least I’m looking at the issue instead of stuffing it.  I hope I’m able to cry soon or something because I hate how being angry feels.  But at the same time when I feel a lot I get depressed and then I just want to sleep and not do anything.  So I guess I will just take it as it comes but I am really impatient about it.  This might have something to do with the fact that I am working step four with my new sponsor Jen, who is exactly like me by the way and I’m so grateful.  She’s the shit!  But she made me start my steps over again so I’m on four and it’s making me take a look at a lot of stuff that I hadn’t thought about in a long time.  I’m being rigorously fucking honest and most days I feel pretty crazy.  I call her like 20 times a day and it’s what I need right now so she can just deal with it!  She gives me so much support and hope and I am so grateful.  Thank you God for her!

8-29-03
Steve went back to school today and that got me thinking.  Everything gets me thinking!  Anyways I’ve been kindof depressed lately and I think I’ve figured out why.  I’ve been sober for what, a year and three months, and I’ve been out of school for way too long.  I’ve been out of school since I was living with Michael and his two jobs couldn’t pay the rent.  I quit school and used the money from my dad for school to pay bills.  I must really have been in denial about Michael’s drug use because he was tweaking a lot to have used up all his money on dope.  Anyways I am forcing myself to go back to school this semester.  It’s not too late, even though the semester’s already started.  I’m just taking one class to get back into the flow of things.  This sucks too I wonder if my dad will pay or not.  He has to or I don’t know how I’m going to pay for it.  I’ll just go to community college to finish up my GE, but I want to be back at Sac State, I loved it there.  I feel like such a failure sometimes because I only completed like 36 units in three years.  I wasted so much of my dad’s money and my time.  Now I’m not sure if I feel better or worse that I decided to go back to school.  This sucks that I went there that fucking long and barely have anything to show for it.  UHHH.  I’m gonna be late for work so I hafta go.

Dec. 27th 2003
I spent Christmas with Steve’s family.  That was totally different than my last couple of Christmases.  The whole house was decorated and it smelled like cinnamon; it was really beautiful.  Everybody gets spoiled over there!  That’s ok though because I got some good presents too.  I feel guilty sometimes for being over there all the time but his mom and dad say I am welcome so I just do it anyways.  I don’t want to use them.  I’ve been spending a lot of nights over there too because my roommate has been really out of hand and I need to get away sometimes.  She was so sweet for the first couple of months but she’s been so fucking rude to me lately and she’s really just unhealthy to be around.  But Christmas was nice.  I still feel uncomfortable around Steve’s family because it seems like they baby him a lot.  It grosses me out sometimes, and I don’t know how to act or if I should bring it up to him.  Oh yeah and I enrolled in school for next semester and I’m taking three classes!  I am so proud of myself I am really making changes and doing positive things.  I think I’m gonna get my bachelor’s in communications but I’m still not sure yet.  I’m just grateful that I am going back to school.  It scares me too because I have to pay for all of it and it’s not exactly cheap, even at American River College.  I guess I will take it as it comes and do my best not to worry about it but I’m sure I will worry anyways, like usual.

May 30th 2004
I feel like I’ve been on like this spiritual high all day.  Today I turned twenty-four and two, but really more importantly two.  Two years without a drink or a hit of anything is a miracle.  Especially from mary jane – I swear when I was smoking it I must have done it at least four or five times a day.  I’d lean down at stop lights and take a nice fat hit then sit back up.  I was always loaded.  Wow what a miracle.  Two years ago I was a complete mess.  Now I’m less of a mess but I’m not sure how much longer Steve and I will last.  He’s such a victim and so am I when I’m with him and I keep pushing back this feeling like I need to be single and do this by myself.  At the same time I know I lean so fucking hard on him and that’s not right to stay just for support but I guess I don’t know what to do actually.  He’s one of the best people I have ever known, but there is a lot wrong in our relationship.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m glad I can just write exactly how I think because I swear to God my mind goes so fast all the time still.  I think in circles a lot too.  But I need to pick myself up more too; I beat on myself so bad in my head.  Anyways today I have two years and I am a miracle!  When I get that two year chip at the meeting tonight I’m pretty sure I’m gonna cry.  I am so grateful, just so grateful.  I would have been on the street if I didn’t get sober exactly when I did.  Now I have my own place and I’m chuggin along nicely.  Oh I love this place so much, it’s got hardwood floors and high ceilings and Emily loves it.  I need to get her a scratching post or something though cuz since I moved out of the last place with Laura she’s been destroying my couch with her claws.  She misses that scratching post thing Laura had.  This new apartment is small but it’s cozy and I don’t have to share it with anymore roommates!  Fuck that shit, honestly.  When I told Howard in group he said, “So, you’ve finally grown up enough to live alone?  You’re not going to get scared and run back are you?”  He’s such an ass, but he’s right.  It’s time to do this; I know it is.  It scares me a lot to think how much I’m paying now though.  Howard is a gift from God.  I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have my Thursday group.  It is so amazing to be grateful for things – I have so many gifts in my life and I do my damn best not to take advantage of them.  Anyways so two years today yeah!  Peace out.  I’m such a dork but I love it!

9-23-04
So Steve and I got back together a few weeks ago.  Well I guess we are not technically back together, but we are dating for sure.  I just don’t want to put a name on it because as soon as it get serious it gets really serious and we become inmeshed.  When that happens neither of us get our needs met and things go south.  So hopefully after this break things will go better.  He is just such a great guy and I love having him around.  It was hard but I learned a lot this summer about having fun and how to take care of myself.  This semester is going to be hard but I know that I can do it if I just stay focused.  I am still amazed slightly that I got straight A’s last semester!  I guess before I honestly didn’t know how smart I was because I never truly applied myself.  I was such a mess too when I was in school before.  Most days I feel like a completely different person, though I rely heavily on my sponsor still and Steve too.  Things are going well though and I am just so grateful that when things get unmanageable I can get on my knees and ask for help and God comes into my life.

Jan 9th 2005
I don’t know I guess I’ve just been kindof crazy lately.  Jen and her husband got a divorce and it makes me wonder if Steve and I will last.  Things are always so serious and even though we talk about having more fun I know that neither of us knows how to do it.  We are going to Disneyland next month and he is paying and that should be fun.  But honestly I am finding that it is not ok for me to only have fun and enjoy life once a month.  Howard says that I need to have fun every day.  It’s hard though with school and work and meetings and Steve to have fun.  I don’t know what I am going to do.

May 2005
Ok, so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I came to a conclusion.  Steve is an extremely good man.  That is a given.  I’m just not attracted to him anymore, and I keep trying to make myself be but it’s not working at all.  I feel like such a bad person but I need to break up with him for good this time.  The last few times we just keep talking and trying to be friends and we honestly slip right back into the same shit.  I feel horrible because I know this will hurt him so much but I need to do it and when I prayed I just knew because I felt it.  God will take care of me and him and God always has before anyways.  I know I need to do this; I have felt like drinking and I’ve been going downhill for a few months because I have been lying to myself.

July 12th, 2005
This has been very hard but I am honestly learning a lot.  I relied on Steve so much that we were killing each other.  The whole relationship was based on me being emotionally held together by him.  No wonder it wasn’t working.  When I broke up with him last month, wow it’s been over a month already, he asked me if I was ever in love with him.  I guess he just had this feeling.  All I know is that for my whole life all I’ve known is addiction.  So I told him that.  I told him I had never loved him.   I guess it’s pretty much true.  Oh my God I feel so horrible but he asked me so I told him.  He is such a good guy but some things were just not right.  I have been taking care of myself beautifully though and having fun all the time.  I went to Sunsplash last week and it was awesome!  Life is beginning to feel much more manageable every day.  I’ve been keeping it simple and helping others and learning how to have relationships with women.  That is so amazing because females always hate me and backstab me so I am facing big fears in doing this.  I’m so sick of the E-bar though.  Even though I’m going to school, I feel like I’m stuck at this job.  Howard says that since life is constant change, we tend to outgrow things.  I think that’s what has happened with the Elephant Bar.  I just get no enjoyment out of going to work anymore.  I don’t like it.  I can’t live like this, I know from my experience that I have to treat myself well.  I’m not sure what I will do and plus I am so afraid to leave because I’ve been here since before I god sober.  They’ve seen me through it all.  I’ll keep praying and hope for something better to happen.

10-15-05
Oh my God!  My mind is going like a thousand miles an hour, I mean, a thousand miles an hour faster than it usually does.  Okay, this guy who’s about forty and has sat in my section a couple of times offered me a job tonight.  He owns a small software company and offered me to be kindof like a sales rep / customer service person.  The software is used for something to do with auto mechanics so if I got a job I would be traveling around showing them how to use it and helping them with any questions and stuff that they had.  I’ve been offered a lot of jobs before because I honestly do have great people skills but this one feels different and exciting.  I know I need to pray about it and talk to Dianne and others about it but I just feel like it is right this time.  Plus I’m so fucking just sick and tired of serving at the E-bar and having the same bullshit happen.  I’m not complaining, but some people truthfully have no respect and should not be allowed out in public.  It is not contributing to my happiness anymore.  I mean they have treated me so good there and I love the people but it is just TIME TO MOVE ON already geez.  I don’t like how it feels when people graduate college and move on from serving and I’m like stuck there.  Obviously I am really happy for them but I guess I’m a little jealous.  I’m a 25-year-old woman and it’s time to get an adult job.  This really might be the one I think.  God will show me, I know He will I just have to do what’s in front of me and take it one day at a time, blah blah blah but really I do I know.

11-1-05
So I’ve kept up on this job.  Just got back from Vegas – it was bad-ass and I met the whole company – it’s small, like twenty people.  I think this job will really allow me to take care of myself big time.  It’s a big jump in responsibility.  Oh everybody is so nice and they are really good people, like when you can just feel that they are true and good and there is a lot of God in them; those kind of people.  It scares me to death though to move on from Elephant Bar.  I feel like I’m gonna cry when I think about it.  They’ve been with me from the beginning and they have showed me how I deserve to be treated in a job.  I got that job a few weeks before I got sober.  This is a big chance to grow up more and be an even more powerful woman, and use my gifts to do good things.  Oh I am so proud of myself for asking what I needed too – they offered me 35 a year and I was like that’s what I make already, and if I’m gonna take this job I need to make more, and I’m worth more.  So I said a minimum of 40 a year and they took it!  I never would have done that before, asking for what I am worth and not settling for less.  And I am worth it dammit!  I really stood up for myself but was not defensive just strong and real and that feels so good.  I’m fucking amazing and yet I still act like a little baby sometimes!!!  Part of me wants to hide under the covers like before.  I want to sit and watch movies and have no responsibilities, but as I keep walkin this path and growin growin growin it’s just not ok to do that anymore.  Not that it isn’t ok to take time off, but when the shit hits the fan I can’t hide like a scared little girl anymore.  And I’m grateful for that too (thank you God) because things are immensely better than they’ve ever been.  I know I will be ok; this is beautiful, this moment is.

Nov 6, 2005
The other day I was sitting with Emily on my couch and my head went to this place of reflection and meditation.  The quality of my problems today – oh my gosh – are not even the same.  When I was drinking, and especially in early sobriety, everything was a crisis.  Things were always going wrong, I mean constantly.  Part of the reason I drank and used was to cover up the way my head runs in circles.  Though I can still freak out, I really do not have the same types of problems today.  Come on, I mean I’m getting a new job!  And it’s a real job, too.  The only problem is that I’m a little afraid of change.  Honestly, so what.  I can deal.  Oh and when I was driving the other day, I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going and had a quick flash of fear – not a big one, just a little one – and I was reminded of how I used to call my mom every week when I was lost and scream at her if she couldn’t give me directions.  I really used to pawn my problems off on other people.  Today I absolutely take one hundred percent responsibility for myself and my actions.  Even though it’s fucking hard most of the time, it feels so good to act like an adult.  I was a baby when I got sober and I only had two emotions: fearful and pissed off.  I’ve felt everything I was afraid to feel before and to be honest I am grateful for all of the feelings now, even the bad ones.  I wouldn’t mind feeling happy more often but hey I’m a work in progress and if things keep getting better I’ll be in good shape soon.  God thank you so much I am so grateful to be an alcoholic and have all this crap happen.  If it hadn’t I would not have found You.  It feels amazing to participate in every moment of life today.